Clinical
Corner Ð How to Step-parent
Whether you are already a parent or not, taking on the responsibility of
being a stepparent can be a difficult and challenging job. Depending upon the
ages and number of children that are involved, you may have to deal with
several different responses to you, as a new parental figure. It is quite
normal for a new stepparent to feel like an outsider or an interloper in
someone else's family. It is important to remember that you and your new spouse
are creating a new family. If you have children too, you will be creating
something called a "Blended Family", because you will be blending
your two families into one. It may take some time, but everyone involved needs
to find their new place. The
following are some guidelines that may be helpful:
Sit down with your spouse and talk about the problems, fears,
expectations or roadblocks that you may have. You might have to take your wife
or husband's ex into consideration when making decisions about how much authority
you will have as a parental figure.
As a new family, you have no traditions. One of the things that makes a
family a cohesive unit is a history composed of shared memories and
experiences. Over time, this new family will create its own history which will
help solidify it into a family unit. It is important to let everyone mourn the
loss of their old ways and traditions while creating new and unique ones for
the future.
It is very common and normal to believe that because you love your new
spouse, you'll also love their children. Good intentions aside, you can't force
or just expect that people will love or care for one another. It's not fair or
reasonable to believe that because you're married, everyone in the family will
be in love with each other. Initially, what's most important is that there is a
mutual respect among all the family members. Forging a new relationship as a
parental figure with the children of your spouse will take time, patience and some
hard work on everyone's part.
Not so surprisingly, many stepparents feel like they are second best.
They have a whole lot of history to try and compete with. Don't try to compete.
Be yourself. The best thing for everyone is to just be who you are.
Don't be surprised when you hear this or something very much like it.
Working with your spouse and creating a plan for parenting will go a long way
to help remedy this type of situation. At some point, the whole family will
need to talk openly about these issues and how you will all deal with them.
What is most important is that you and your spouse agree on how to proceed and
be consistent with kids.